Post your best C++ jokes, poems, stories, etc.

[chrisname]

int main() {
    father.release();
    mother.get(pregnant);
    char** baby = new char* [BABY_LIFE_MAX];

    myBaby Baby;
    while (!Baby.is_born)
        Baby.add(cells);

    int i = 0;

    if (Baby.is_born)
        while (!Baby.eof())
            baby[i] = 0x1;
    return dead;

[cdh473]

#include <iostream>
#include <iomanip>
using namespace std;

int main() {
double shitAmount;
bool toiletEmpty=true;
bool refreshed=false;
void wipeAss() {
toiletpapersheets-=5;
refreshed=true;
};
void flush() {
wipeAss();
shitAmount=0.0;
toiletEmpty=true;
};
void takeaShit() {
refreshed=false;
shitAmount=999999.0;
toiletEmpty=false;
refreshed=true;
cout<<"Ahhhhh...."<<endl<<"Much better."<<endl;
cin.get();
};
takeaShit();
flush();
cout<<"Yay!!! I have an auto-asswiping toilet!!! :D"<<endl;
cin.get();
return 0;
}

[helios]

I=you=love.stranger.not();
I.knowsRules=you.knowsRules=1;
I.think(commitment::FULL);
//otherGuy.think(commitment::FULL);

I.tell(I.feeling,you);
I.make(&Person::understand,you);

while (0)
	I.giveUp(you);
while (0)
	I.letDown(you);
while (0){
	I.runAround();
	I.desert(you);
}
while (0)
	I.make(&Person::cry,you);
while (0)
	I.sayGoodbye();
while (0){
	I.lie();
	I.hurt(you);
}

[chrisname]

LOL
Well played, Helios!

[chrisname]

It's Python but whatever.

How to fly:

import flylib

def takeOff():
    i = 0
    while i < flylib.amt_of_engines:
        if flylib.engines(flylib.engine[i].start):
            print("Engine %d successfully started" % i)
        i += 1

    flylib.wing1.flaps.go(down)
    flylib.wing2.flaps.go(down)

    print("Flaps down")

    flylib.take_off()

    from antigravitylib import antigravity

    antigravity.init(antigravity.ANTIGRAVITY_INIT_EVERYTHING)

    from flylib import jet

    jet.take_off = true

    jet.flying = true

def fly():
    if flylib.engines(FLYIB_INIT_ENGINES):
        print("Engines initialized")

    there = false

    while not there:
        jet.stay_up()
        if flylib.distance < 1:
            there = true

def land():
    print("Landing")

    jet.land()
    jet.flying = false

    jet.wheels.down()

    flylib.wing1.flaps.go(up)
    flylib.wing2.flaps.go(up)

    jet.brake()

    print("Landing successful.")

def main():
    takeOff()
    fly()
    land()
    return 0

main()

[rvbman47]

Programming in C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, you blow your whole leg off!

[Duthomhas]

Please make proper attributions
http://www.research.att.com/~bs/bs_faq.html#really-say-that

[helios]

It's quite off-topic, but I think it's funny. I just love black humor.

File system Hardlinks Block journaling Case sensitive File change log Murders your wife
VMFS3 Yes No Yes No No
Lustre Yes Yes Yes No No
HFS Plus Partial No Partial Yes No
ReiserFS Yes Yes Yes No Yes

EDIT: Interestingly, the first Google result for "Murders your wife" is directly related to ReiserFS.
EDIT2: Actually, all the results are either directly related to ReiserFS or to a certain edit to a Wikipedia article.

[demosthenes2k8]

(NOTE: I'm treating \n as "slash N" here, '*' is "star", and < is "is less than")

#include <iostream>
using namespace std;
#include <string.h>

int main(int argc,
	char** argumentv)
{	cout << "Haiku time!";

cout << "\nThis "
<< "is quite challenging\n";
int i = 5;

for(i = 1;
i<32;
i+=1) {

cout << int(i) << '*'
<< "***\b\b"
<< '\n' << "***";}

cout << "Done\n"
<<"We make no more you are best.";
cin.ignore();

i=argc;
i=i+7;
return int(0);}

EDIT: That python code could be simplified to:

import antigravity
antigravity.enable()

[S6k9GNh0]

I have a joke: Microsoft Windows virus counter-measures.

[chrisname]

I liked the haiku. Pretty good.

More flying:

Fast:

Python

from flylib import plane
plane.engines(start)
plane.take_off()
plane.fly()
plane.land()
# Execution time: ~3 seconds. 

Faster:

C

#include <plane.h>

int main() {
    struct plane* plane;
    memmove(plane->plane, plane->destination, sizeof(plane));
    return 0;
}
/* Execution time: <= 1 second */

C++

#include <plane>

int main() {
    plane plane;
    plane.takeOff();
    plane.fly();
    plane.land();
    return 0;
}
// Execution time: <= 1 second 

Fastest:

ASM

.intel_syntax noprefix

jmp start

start:
    mov destination, plane
    int 0x21
; Execution time: 0.1 seconds

I also have a confession to make.
I am a cracker.

Yes. That is right. Let that sink in.

I split long hydrocarbon molecules into shorter ones.
I am sorry.

[chrisname]

People should accept command line arguments:

"Hi, could you tell me where the meeting is?"
"Over there."
"Err... Hi, could you tell me where the meeting is? --verbose"
"Found input on stdin...
Parsing input, please wait...
Processed input; searching database...
Acquired suitable response:
Go along the hall there, take a left, and the meeting room is on your right."
"Thanks!"

[JCED]

A bunch of command-line jokes, not really C++-related: http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/susan/joke/unix.htm

Most of them don't work unless you're using csh, some of them don't work unless you're using a specific flavor of UNIX.

EDIT: Also this, sort of related to C++: http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/susan/joke/c.htm

EDIT2: And this, actually related to C++: http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/susan/joke/cpp.htm

[firedraco]

^^^ WOW! Those are funny! Gotta send those to my programming friends now...

[jRaskell]

An old one I've always enjoyed:

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who know binary and those who don't.

[chrisname]

I like that one too.

[R0mai]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world — those who understand trinary, those who don't understand trinary and those who mistake it for binary.

http://www.gnu.org/fun/humor.html

[chrisname]

I mistook it for binary =[
I'm guessing 10 in trinary means 3...

[Duthomhas]

The digit system works the same no matter what the base.

In binary you have two digits: 0 and 1
0 - zero
1 - one
10 - two == binary's "ten"

In trinary you have three digits: 0, 1, and 2
0 - zero
1 - one
2 - two
10 - three == trinary's "ten"

Etc.

[chrisname]

I have a text file somewhere I wrote a year ago... let me find it.

Hmmm can't find it. It was a conversion table for Decimal, Octal and binary. I think I might have made it on my laptop actually... it had 1-10 in the three bases.